Rejection

@Lauren Houghtalin, I’m sorry that the story was an upsetting experience for you.

I liked Laura Swearingen-Steadwell a lot when I met her and worked on the story with her. As unusual and mysterious as the experience she described was, I was moved to hear her share something so personal and appreciated her point of view about what she lived through.

Here is a transcription of what I said in the hosting segment about that story:

“That story brings to mind what we’re going through right now where so many victims of sexual harassment or sexual assault are coming forward lately to tell their stories. It’s incredibly important for us all to listen, listen, listen to those stories. And it’s important to check in and talk with one another — whether just with friends or lovers — about consent and negotiation on an ongoing basis. That’s a conversation to keep having.

Laura’s story is… as far as I know an anomaly…. I’ve never heard of anything like it before. But as a gay man, I’ve come from a culture where totally non-verbal sex with total strangers is not unusual. Sex where no one ever actually says the words “Yes” or “No.” That’s more likely to happen in a man-to-man situation. That’s why it’s so surprising to hear this story we just heard. But I’ve talked in my stories before about how subtle and nuanced and evolving a thing consent can be in an interaction, from one moment to the next. Like in that story, Laura said that she was prepared to stop it if it came to a point where she felt she needed to. So all I can recommend is, keep sharing about it and keep listening to those who want to share about it and put your most compassionate mindset in the game when engaging in those conversations.”

To add to those comments I made on the episode, I would say that historically, RISK! has run at least one #MeToo sort of story each month for years. This particular story is something else. It was pitched for our “With Bawdy in Brooklyn” live show in September but we decided it would make for a better radio-style story.

RISK! is always looking for stories that are unexpected. Stories you will not hear most other places. Stories where people share aspects of their life experiences that might be challenging or even sometimes downright bewildering to take in. So we always warn people that the very title of the series itself could be thought of as a trigger warning, really. Every week, people tell me, “shame on you for running that,” or, “what bad taste you’ve shown,” or “how dare you put me through that listening experience?” For those messages to stop coming our way, we’d have to make RISK! something other than RISK!

Hi Lauren,

I’m also sorry my story troubled you. What Kevin said about nonverbal communication, though, is absolutely accurate. What makes the story remarkable is the fact that nothing remotely like it happened before or since. With this stranger, there was a strong sense of intuitive understanding, that we were very much attuned to and reading each other from the moment he stepped on the bus. I can see why this would be difficult for someone who hasn’t experienced something like this to understand, but that’s how it happened.

As Kevin mentioned, I was prepared to say no at any point. This man initiated very passive contact with me, and very, very slowly escalated. Yet he never actually touched me. It’s a strange story. But it’s not a story of assault. It’s a story of an unlikely and unusual encounter that left me deeply satisfied and awestruck.

Do you know what’s actually kind of creepy? Having an experience that was consensual for me labelled assault by a stranger. That’s not what it was. I’m not ashamed that I let someone touch me, and that I enjoyed it. It’s a reminder to me that sex is complicated. It’s complicated that this man never actually touched me, isn’t it? Yet we’re all still considering this a sexual encounter.

“For all he knew” is a strange thing to write, as well. He was sitting right next to me, paying complete attention to me. My body was responding to him. He knew I wasn’t asleep. And to reiterate, he never even touched the clothes touching my skin; he wasn’t grabbing my pussy out of the blue. It’s a bizarre story, but strangely, it felt like one of the “cleanest” sexual acts I’ve ever been a part of.

Why take my word for it, though? “Believe women” only applies to victims of assault, I guess?

@Laura, I’m sorry I offended you or turned your words around. You’re right, you put this story out there and your perception of the encounter is the one that matters. And you’re so right about sexual encounters being complicated… I still think this would make me uncomfortable, but that is because of my experiences and the way I see things.

@Moloch, why do you think you can tell me how to handle my sexual assault? Or tell me how negative my management is?

I’m going to post the same thing I put on the discussion page: “Different people experience things differently. I don’t think it’s right to silence someone because it doesn’t fit in with a given narrative.” And add that what I love about risk is I can experience life as someone else, their story, their reactions, their personality. It gives me a broader view of humanity and reminds me of how complicated we are.

Laura’s story reminds me of ASMR, a tingling sensation from soft sounds and touches that has gotten a lot attention on youtube and the rest of the internet in recent years. Someone lightly tugging on your clothes could certainly cause an extended orgasmic sensation. I can’t be sure though since it wasn’t my experience.

Lauren, you apologized and listened to Laura. That was cool of you. I reached out to help you. How you interpret; what I say, is your business.
As far as the stories go…Laura’s story cast a spell. It was sort of like hearing about a romantic encounter between two teachers at Hogwarts. I dig it.
I related to Mindy in Patti’s story. I wasn’t full on Carrie White but I was pretty close. Patti, you didn’t do everything right but nobody at that age does. You did do some things right and that is a lot better than most kids. As a Mindy, I would like to say, thank you to all of the Pattis. You don’t have to be perfect to return humanity to someone who has had it stripped away.

I would encourage people to read up on something called ”Dreamlets” or ”hypnagogic dream” – it is a kind of a dream which occurs at sleep onset, on the borderland between wakefulness and deep sleep.
It takes the form of unusual bodily sensations, strange conversations, and hallucinations – such as disembodied faces passing before the mind’s eye.
These may give way to dreams similar to those experienced during REM sleep.

I am surprised Kevin actually went on to comment and link the story to the current situation about sexual harassment accusations coming to the surface. To me, this whole time listening to the story I knew what she has experienced was not real, that it was a Dreamlet.
( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnagogia )

I have a friend who has been accused of raping a girl during a sleep over with many people in the same room. The girl accused him of doing it in the morning – if you ask me… it was a dream. Yet this accusation cost so much for my friend…she never went on to actually get checked and all to prove her claim…
I’m sorry, but lack of knowledge and awareness in situations like that are life destroying for one too many people. Her actions were as rational as one dreaming of their spouse cheating on them, then accusing them, and breaking up with them based on a dream. We don’t live in the world of Inception, Leo is not playing games on us – our brains are. Let’s get a grip!
Rape and assaults and harassments happen…no doubt. But accusations and assumptions on their own are as dangerous and as grotesque.

P.S. If someone doesn’t like a story, well they shouldn’t listen to it then – but guys don’t try to affect and censor and silence people. This is their story – this is their experience – have some respect for goodness sake!